Friday, 12 February 2010
-
fare thee well
he's left me.
it's hard to type that, and i have yet to say it out loud
i miss him so much and it's been less than twenty-four hours
i almost wish sexual orientation was a choice so i could choose to be completely turned off by him and so i'd never ache for him again
but i don't think this has anything to do with my orientation
what i felt with him was deeper than that
it's still deeper than that
he stirred something within me that i've never felt before
i don't want him because he is a man
i don't want him because he is gorgeous
i don't want him because he sings so beautifully and he thinks so lovingly and he whispers so softly
no
i want him for something completely alien to me
i don't know why i want him
i just know that my very soul cries out for him and to quiet her i have to calmly remind her that he's still here
he just doesn't feel the same love as i do for him
and that's okay
i'm starting to feel okay with it
i can't change him, and i wouldn't even if i could
i'm actually happy for him
and thankful for him
he forced me to find myself
and i'm still doing that, little by little
but he knew that if he had told me about himself right away
i would have molded into his perfect counter-part
and i would have completely lost what he loved in me
it was frustrating before, but i understand it all now
i think it's time to move on from this account
it holds all the precious thoughts i have of him
and maybe if i start new, i can be okay again
but i don't think i can handle being so close to my memories of him
so now i'll say goodbye
and i'll welcome the coming spring and the freshly grown with open arms and open eyes
maybe i can start over again.
Wednesday, 10 February 2010
-
rage
it boils in my blood, the thought of a man hurting my friend
the fact that this man still lives only gives me the opportunity to help karma along a little
and bite him in the ass.
i have never been so eager to craft a spell
but it must be perfect
so that he can never do this to another woman again
mark my words, you fucking bastard
i will come for you
Tuesday, 09 February 2010
-
marlene on the wall
i think i have my own marlene
no picture, just the walls themselves
they know my every secret
my every thought
they have my every sigh, breath, tear, scream recorded in their drywall
and my solitude?
hah, she follows me everywhere
never mind standing at the window
she's right here
whispering silence into my ears
the only way to shut her up is to play music
and even that reminds me so much of him
oh, goddess, how did this happen?
was it my fault?
is it true?
is it just another twisted test?
i know he wanted me before...
or did he?
was he unsure? doing it just for me?
i hope not.
i don't want someone to go against their comfort for me
i've never wished that
and i never will
she turns to me
with her hand extended
her palm is split
with a flower
with a flame
i just dont know what to do anymore
i hope i can figure something out before i go insane
Thursday, 04 February 2010
-
fresh new start
my friend and i started a private blog to help with our weight problems.
i'm overweight, and she's underweight.
we've both set goals to get on track ten pounds at a time.
today was the first day.
so far, i've done well.
but it's only the first day, after all.
i just hope i don't fail later down the road.
Tuesday, 19 January 2010
-
strange, how hard it rains now
rows and rows of big, dark clouds
when i'm still alive, underneath this shroud
rain
Friday, 15 January 2010
-
avatar
it takes a lot for a movie to move me
it doesn't take much to get me to cry, but i've never had a movie move my soul the way this one did
if you are reading this and haven't seen the movie yet, go now.
i don't care where you are, what you're doing
just look up the next showing time and go
obviously, if you're getting married or something, wait until after the ceremony
then go to the movie with your new spouse
it will be better than the honeymoon
the planet pandora is like no other
it's such a lush, beautiful, untouched place
free of roads and shopping malls and everything that hinders us here
they're so happy in their life now
they have the perfect life
imagine being able to connect to everything around you
tap into the memories of your ancestors
fly above the world and see its beauty from the sky
i long for a life like that
i long to be connected to the earth
but i can only do so emotionally, spiritually
and that will have to do
for now.
Thursday, 14 January 2010
-
sociopath?
i never knew such an ugly word existed that could describe someone as perfect as you
because you were, truly perfect
i don't remember a single mistake you've ever made
you know everything
you're like god
and everyone on earth is just a play-thing to you
just in your way
a tool to use to get what you want
whatever that is
it doesn't seem fair that you manipulated me the way you did
yeah, i was young
and stupid
but that doesn't give you the right to mess with my head
it's said that people leave impressions on those they get close to
but you didn't just leave an impression
you branded me
and i have no idea how long it'll take for that scar to heal
if it ever will
you arrogant, self-serving piece of shit
there have only been two people i've ever hated
and only one i've wished dead
but you're at the top of both lists now
i hate you
i hate you so much
you fucked with my head and now i'm so screwed up, my friends agree that i need therapy
i'm fucking glad you're gone
i am so fucking glad
and you want to know why?
because now i never have to wait for your approval to speak
i don't have to stare at the screen for half an hour, thinking of something you would think is interesting,
just so you'd talk to me for a little while
just so i'd be graced with your presence
i don't have to worry if you think what i write is good or not
i don't have to wish for you and hope that you'll someday notice me
rather than just coolly brush me off like you always did
because you know what?
i'm better than that.
i deserve better than that.
i deserve someone better than you
and i have someone who is so amazing that it would make your head explode, you fuck.
have fun with your new "victims" because i am not getting back in line this time.
it's over.
Tuesday, 12 January 2010
-
am i disposable?
Tuesday, 05 January 2010
-
sickness
if i should die this very moment
i wouldn't fear
for i've never known completeness
like being here
there was a boy
a very strange, enchanted boy
they say he wandered very far
very far
over land and sea
a little shy
and sad of eye
but very wise
was he
and then one day
a magic day he passed my way
and while we spoke of many things
fools and kings,
this he said to me:
"the greatest thing
you'll every learn
is just to love
and be loved in return."
i follow the night
can't stand the light
when will i begin
to live again?
one day, i'll fly away
leave all this to yesterday
what more could your love do for me?
when will love be through with me?
why live life from dream to dream
and dread the day when dreaming ends?
my gift is my song
and this one's for you
and you can tell everybody
that this is your song
it may be quite simple but,
now that it's done
hope you don't mind,
i hope you don't mind
that i put down in words
how wonderful life is
now you're in the world
sat on the roof
and i kicked off the moss
well some of these verses,
well they, they got me quite cross,
but the sun's been kind
while i wrote this song
it's for people like you that
keep it turned on
so excuse me forgetting
but these things i do
you see i've forgotten
if they're green or if they're blue
anyway the thing is,
what i really mean
yours are the sweetest eyes
i've ever seen
never knew
i could feel like this
it's like i've never seen
the sky before
want to vanish inside your kiss
every day i'm loving you
more and more
listen to my heart
can you hear it sing?
come back to me
and forgive everything
seasons may change
winter to spring
but i love you
till the end of time
come what may
come what may
i will love you
until my dying day
inside my heart is breaking
my makeup may be flaking
but my smile still stays on
the show must go on
the show must go on
i'll top the bill
i'll earn the kill
i have to find the will to carry on with the
on with the
on with the show
his eyes
upon your skin
his hand
upon your hand
his lips
caress your skin
it's more than i can stand
why does my heart cry?
feelings i can't fight
you're free to leave me
but just don't deceive me
and please,
believe me when i say
i love you...
Wednesday, 16 December 2009
-
dancing
i never figured dancing would be my choice of exercise.
i always hate dancing in front of people.
i feel like such a fool.
but alone?
alone, it's amazing.
i felt so alive and so full of energy.
i let it fly from my fingertips and i can still feel it, pulsing in my room.
i'm still a little breathless from it.
i danced for an hour and fifteen minutes, about.
not non-stop, but the longest break i took was three minutes long.
and i only took two breaks.
it was so thrilling.
you'd figure only the hateful, heavy, fast songs would get me moving
but a lot of the slow, mellow, sweet songs were very energetic as well
i really loved dancing to "somewhere only we know"
i created paintings in my head
i took the energy around me, pulled it out of the air, and splashed it onto the blank canvas i made
it wasn't opaque paint
it was more electric
like someone broke open a neon sign and used it as a paintbrush in the dark
it was so beautiful
i could feel so much energy from just the music
and i pulled it to me, wrapped it around my hands and created a world
in "somewhere only we know," i created a huge forest
and it was such a bright, pulsing green
the ground was a crumbling soil brown
and i painted a river that was such a rich grey-blue, i swear it was made of molten silver
the trees were a dark brown, and gave me a safe haven
something to lean on
i could feel it all
and in angrier songs, like "i hate everything about you," i threw my anger and hate out
and i scratched up pictures and photos that were never taken
and i bloodied my arms and i tore the world apart and
i could
feel it
split
i feel good
tired, but a good tired
and i found out that i burned over 500 calories
so, if i did it every day as my exercise
not only would i get healthy
but i would be tired for bed, too
win-win
i can see why people love dancing so much
but i still can't bring myself to do it in front of people
maybe some day...
- browse entries:
- older »
Don't worry - your calendar is here… to see it in action just click "Save"
above and refresh the page.
-
- Name: summer__secrets
- Gender: Female
- Member Since: 5/12/2009
- Post to memories
-
i don't want to find out that you're not real. that knowledge would tear me apart. please keep lying to me, until my last breath...
-
don't forget me.
-
skin like petals; eyes with a smile; love never felt this good.
